Who's in Control?

Sitting outside Gallery Row in downtown Carrollton right now. Basically just killing time until band practice at 6:00. So many things running through my head right now. Most of these things running through my head... I try to put them on a back burner. I try to avoid thinking about them, hoping that they will just work themselves out. I have so many things that I'm responsible for in my life: band & vocal team, creative arts, supervisor at work, buying a house, managing a full 18 credit semester and 30 hour work week, and being inadvertently single (one without a companion).

No. Stop right there. This is not a depressed love song. I am not crying out for sympathy. I'm not crying in general. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't know who's in control. Is it God? Or is it me? I already know the answer... but for the purposes of the blog, I'll pretend I don't.

This feels good already just to get this out of my mind and put into words. Sorry that you all have to deal with this - but maybe it will help you in some way or another.

Most days I feel like I'm on autopilot. Going through the motions without ever having any emotions. I feel like I'm performing the same routine over and over again and getting the same results. The problem is: I'm not happy with the results. Ok John. What the heck are you talking about? I'm talking about my relationship with God... with people... with my family... with my job. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere in my life. And I know why... because I'm running the controls. Because I'm not allowing God to run my life. Simple solution: Surrender.

Maybe I should cross out the word simple. Surrender. I think about the song titled that. Sometimes we sing it at church... here's what I believe to be the toughest part of that song to get on board with...

I'm giving you my dreams - I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride - for the promise of new life
And I surrender, all to you, all to you

I'm giving up my pride. I'm giving up my dreams and my rights? Yeah, right. I know what I want... God doesn't. Oh wait, can I even say that? Well, it's what I think. And it's probably what all of you have thought before or maybe you currently think it now. God doesn't know how I should lead this team... God doesn't know how I should operate my work/school schedule... God doesn't know how I should treat my friends/family... God doesn't know who I should date...

Right?

Wrong.

He does. The problem is... I don't want to give up my pride/dreams/rights. I like having the reigns. I like knowing that I'm in control. Well, I like it when I make the decision... so why do I feel empty inside? Why does everything I do on my own without Him eventually turn into nothing? Why does it feel like everything I accomplish is all for naught when I do it without giving him glory/honor/praise? Because I didn't do alone. I did it because of the talents he gave me. I did it because of the gifts he gave me.

I'm not even sure if there is a point to this blog. Just something that's been going through my head recently... GOD! I WANT YOU TO RUN MY LIFE! BEAT THIS PRIDE OUT OF ME, PLEASE! I don't know what it's going to take. But I'm at the breaking point in my life. Take the reigns Father... I want you to fill me up with your holiness.

Friends, I hope you don't struggle with this as I do. Somehow, I know that most of you or all of you have before or currently are. I hope you can pray this prayer with me.